NG is starting to take some of my pieces down, including the most recent one. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that yet.

Staying alive. I haven't had time to work on art much. I haven't had the time to do anything. I feel pretty fucked up still.

The chemo medicine isn't working for some reason and my count is very slowly going up again. I don't know what that means yet. I still take it as I'm supposed to but it's just one more thing to worry about. I feel like I can't afford to take risks career-wise because I need the health insurance.

There's too much going on, man, too fucking much. It just doesn't feel worth it. I know this reads like attention whoring but I haven't said it anywhere else. I can't do this anymore. But I have to, what else is there. The fact that I'm still here typing this means I haven't been able to take that leap yet, and I think it means I might never be able to. But I'm starting to feel like it's the better option. I'm just tired and stressed all the time and I want it all to stop, but it feels like there's no way out.

I feel as though my ambitions far outrank my abilities. Though I suppose that's a good thing - it means I'm pushing further.

I've been listening to Sleepycast lately and at one point Stamper was talking about how if you're constantly pushing yourself to do a certain thing but you never do, then perhaps you just weren't meant to do it. I'm starting to wonder if that's how it is with me and comics. I always said I would put these two in one someday, but in the meantime I've done countless single pieces with them and I've come to love doing it. I don't know if I'm procrastinating on starting or if I'm just lying to myself. Or maybe I'm just not good with time management. Hopefully I figure it out before long. My life is ticking away.

I still am stuck in the same spot at work and recently my coworker and friend of 2+ years resigned so now it's just me and a newcomer. I dread to think what that means for the future. Sometimes I feel like I'm a train stuck on the same track, never able to switch directions or stop. And it might not even be so bad, where I'm going, but it's the fact that I couldn't change it even if I wanted to that's the problem. Sometimes I wonder if it's better for me to just drop everything and go far away, re-roll the dice on life, do it "right" this time and try to find some autonomy. But where would I even go? Any other town is just that, another town, with its own problems and expenses. And I wouldn't be any different a person than I am now, but I would be giving up everything and everyone I have in life. But it would be simpler, I would just have to worry about me.

2:38 AM. My sleep habits have gone to shit again.

It turns out my expectations of no one buying from me at the marketplace I mentioned in my last news post were not unfounded. That five dollars on the side is the only money I made in the 4 hours I was set up. Many late nights and lost hours of sleep, lots of money, orders and re-orders of mugs, lots of care buying and arranging succulents, using the good soil even, typing out care sheets and designing new cards and getting everything set up just right, spending all night making buttons and finally putting that press I got years ago to use, finally putting myself out there and putting my work up for the public to see, and all of that, all of it, was for nothing. So I guess I really am doing all this just for me.

Marlinette's art sold like hotcakes though, so I am happy for her even if the exact same people buying from her could spare less than half a second's glance at my work. She's the one with the charisma, not me.

Something did happen though that actually made me really happy. There were a lot of kids at the event, and at one point this little girl came over to the succulents and stopped and stared, and she just started... touching them. Each one, very gently feeling the leaves, poking the middle of the echeveria, squeezing the fat leaves, looking closely at each one. I don't think she had ever seen succulents before and it was really neat to see the curiosity and fascination play out in front of me and watch her experience something for the first time. Even though all the rest was frustrating, that one bit almost made it all worth it.

No matter how many times I draw figures, I'm still filled with joy when they turn out well. The more I depict nature's creations the more I fall in love with them, plants animals and all.

It's been a while.

I took a vacation last week for the first time in several years. I didn't do much while I was away, but having all that time without having anything to worry about was a big help. My sleep schedule got somewhat fixed and I feel much less stressed than before, even though I returned to work today with the same general burdens and load as before. We'll see how long that lasts.

Tonight was the first night in a long long time where I ran out of things to do. It's kind of nice, not putting pressure on myself to make every single minute count for something. I have several things I would like to finish, but they will all get done in their proper time.

I'm tempted to turn the above sketch into a digital piece, but I really want to keep practicing with colored pencils. I've been trying to render the bottom-most sketch as a finished piece, but I still need to practice rendering plants. I find when I try to identify or formulate a process for something I wind up doing a lot worse than if I just go with it, but as a consequence it feels like each new piece is discovering the process all over again.

I am going to be selling some of my work in a marketplace in a couple of weeks, in a rather unique form. I am looking forward to it, though to be honest I don't expect anyone to buy.

Lately I've gotten back into bad sleep habits, mostly because it feels like there's not enough time to do everything in one day that I want to do. If I wanted to produce more, a compromise would have to be made. Sleep, exercise, relationships, money, healthy food, one or more would have to be reduced. Traditional art has been fun, but it's all the more slower compared to digital, which had gotten pretty quick once I had the process down. Perhaps that is my compromise.

I used to say that I preferred digital because it took up no space. There was nothing to fill box after box over time. I think that's changed. I've come to appreciate having something you can hold in your hands, see in real life. I enjoy working with the tangible instead of the virtual. Lately I've been searching for sculpture classes. I would love to be able to make things like that.

Career wise I don't know what it is I want anymore. I keep saying I'm not satisfied with where I am, but at the same time I am grateful that I have a job related to my field. Yet when I think about the idea of doing what I do for fun as a commission for someone else, I see no joy in that. These are intrinsic and must stay that way, though I don't see the harm in letting others have them once they're finished. I don't want to work for a company or a studio. I just want to do this. I've heard several people in my life give the mindset that their job gives them purpose, that they wouldn't know what to do if left to their own devices for too long. I have never had such a problem.

I have been trying to move forward at whatever pace I can, trying to just let whatever happens happen without getting upset if things don't look quite right. I find that even if it's not perfect I still am happy when the idea is conveyed in some way. Maybe that's a sign I'm taking things too seriously. I also wonder if I shouldn't be so worried about making things so precise and clean when doing the final product. Who knows what will happen in the future, but I guess the good part is there are enough ideas that if one doesn't work then others can take its place.

I won't be able to make as many finished pieces, but as long as I can sit down and sketch a little each day then I'm happy. Sooner or later things will come through.

Some making of's. Life has been very busy and color pencil is a slower process with less room for error. Not a good combination for productivity.

Someday I'll finish this thing. So much for doing one piece a month again this year. I'll be lucky if I can do one every three months at this rate. Maybe I'm just not that good at time management, or maybe I just need to get better at cutting out the dead weight. Life feels like it's always go, go, go, never stopping until the weekend, and then all you want to do is rest and have fun. Not to say this isn't fun, but it's also not the only thing I do as a hobby. So many conflicting things, all that on top of just trying to keep your house clean and take care of yourself. How do people do it?

Probably caffeine.

They say consistency is the best thing you can do to keep yourself in the limelight. Unfortunately, trying to maintain a consistent schedule with art and posting whilst simultaneously trying to stay upright on this lovely little treadmill called life is quite difficult. I don't know how others do it.

I've been back to full time for a while now, which unfortunately means my output has slowed down again. Last year at this time we were locked down and my hours were being cut, so I could easily make a piece a month, but it's been almost two months since my last completed piece. And traditional art takes longer too, which only makes the pace slower. It's worth it though, to have something tangible. I've come to appreciate that about it.

Work has been stressful, not just for me but for everyone there. In a dark sort of way that's kind of comforting, but having your face held in a fire is still having your face held in a fire. If I really wanted to I could probably get away with quitting my job and living off savings for around a year while pushing my art more, but I don't want to sell on my investments to do that and who knows how well that would really work. I'm enjoying these color pencils a lot and I have hopes of selling physical illustrations in the near future, but of course right as I decide to make that part of my life's plan there comes a fad where digital art is suddenly all the rage to put a barcode on and sell. If I could have three wishes from a genie, one of them would be foresight.

The chemo medication is working thus far and my blood tests have all been looking good. We find out this week if I pass the 3-month checkpoint, which is one of three points over the next year before I can be declared in remission. It's weird to think there's a medicine I have to take every day of my life now because I'll die if I don't.

Mental health has still been up and down. It's more a matter of external factors than internal, I feel. But having some personal goals for the near future has been helping. I try to remind myself that what I'm doing is supposed to be fun, but sometimes it's not easy.

I doubt people read these but it's nice to just shout things into the open. I don't really care who knows at this point.