A lot has happened in the past several months.

I don't make new years' resolutions because I would likely break them in a matter of weeks.

Motivation has gone up and down in terms of art. Right now it's up again and I'm currently experimenting a bit with traditional art - mixed media with watercolors, colored pencils and pastels. We'll see how that goes. Also started sketching again after several weeks of not doing anything. Still trying a more realistic style and trying to go bigger, but with that comes a lot of challenges. I probably should study more.

I don't know that the medicine is working all that well. It seems like my sleep habits do more to affect my mood than the pills, so either the meds aren't working and I need to try something different, or I don't need meds to begin with. Who knows.

Also I apparently have leukemia. It is probably not going to kill me, but that was pretty scary to hear. Both my mind and my body seem to want me dead. But I'm not going to let that happen.

I think I've come to accept what it is I want to achieve with my art. It took a pretty bad experience to recognize it, but I'm happy now that it's here.

I finally downloaded a trial of Clip Studio Paint. I like to jump right in and mess around when it comes to new art programs. So far it feels very similar to Krita - similar enough where I'm not convinced to get it. But I want to go a litle further into their brush engine and see what it's capable of. Apparently one of the big difference is that CSP uses a single, extremely versatile brush engine for all of its tools, compared to Krita which as multiple engines in different categories.

I want to find one that gives me a bit more texture. When I take the sketch overlay off this painting, it's look too boring and plastic-ey.

Over the past week or so my motivation for art has fallen significantly. Attempts to draw usually end with impatience and frustration, as well as a few pages of me writing various insults towards myself. I feel as though I am getting better and worse at the same time. Socially, I feel like I've been getting more paranoid about screwing things up, not helped by two consecutive days of getting told off by my boss. It's like I don't want to try anything anymore, because I know I'll just fail. I still get ideas, but I don't have the patience with myself to implement them properly. Nothing seems right, and anything short of perfection feels like a failure. It sometimes reaches a point where my hand is paralyzed, unable to put the pencil to the paper.

I recently went to a doctor and have started a trial dosage of antidepressants. It treats both depression and anxiety, though leaning more towards the former. We'll see how it works. I also have an appointment scheduled with a therapist, though unfortunately the art therapists were all unavailable (that's basically what I've been doing for myself anyway).

What once served as a way to transform sadness into joy now only serves as frustration. The monster has grown stronger, but steps are being taken to change that. I'm tired of this. I just want to be happy again. I just want to enjoy art again. I don't even know who I'm doing this for anymore.

Rejected version of today's piece.

I'm kind of proud that I've continued with this, even if it's not strictly adhering to the official guidelines. I might not be super good with ink but I've gotten fairly comfortable with it in a short amount of time, and I've found that it's actually a lot of fun and looks very nice in its own way.

It's funny, because several of these drawings I've finished and looked at them only to think they didn't turn out well, but when I take some time away and then come back, they don't seem as bad. I think I'm just overcritical of myself. I think I expect each new drawing to be the best ever, like I need to get everything perfect all the time, but I don't even know what perfect is. If I'm not blown away by it then it's not up to snuff. Sometimes I think I need to let good enough be good enough and move onto the next. The highs will come when they come, but that doesn't mean the rest are all lows, you know?

I have one more Inktober piece planned.

After an extreme low came an extreme high. No not that kind.

I'm mostly just putting this here so there's not a muh depression post on the page anymore.

I'm hoping to have another Inktober piece done tomorrow.

I've not been feeling well mentally and my drawings have suffered as a result. I don't know when the next piece will be made or how many more Inktober pieces will come out.

I can't tell if it's because I'm genuinely ill or if it's because of life's natural demands. I feel as though if I had more time each day this wouldn't be a problem. Either way something needs to change.

It's finally cold again, thank goodness.

Work is back to full time, which is good because I like money but bad because I like time.

Everyone keeps banging on about Clip Studio Paint, so I've decided I'm going to give it a try, but I want to have a few sketches on hand in order to maximize the time actually using the software. Also I want the sketches for Inktober, one or the other. So there will be a dry spell.

It feels as though every new drawing I make has to be better than the last, and every new finished piece has to be the next masterpiece. It's easy to forget all of the failures and pitfalls that paved the way to one single moment of success. I'm trying to build more confidence, but it's not always easy. It's strange how it works. It seems like things that are noted for later and planned out rarely turn out satisfactorily, but brief moments of impulse lead to some of the best things. I wonder where the sweet spot is between caring enough to make it look nice while not caring so much that it leads to overworking and frustration.

That said, I've been trying to push myself in terms of perspective - which has led to a few good ideas, and I'm excited to keep going. But I have a feeling my art will look worse before it looks better, so I just need to be ready for that.

It's been just over a year since I started doing my little entries here on NG. In some ways things have changed, in other ways things haven't. In some ways I feel more restrained than ever, in other ways I feel more free than ever. I've let some things go and taken other things on. I still feel like I have a ways to go in terms of bettering myself mentally, but compared to where I was last year, I think there has been some improvement.

Art-wise, I feel as though I've improved a decent amount from last year, though of course the road will always wind on. Although I feel like I've tried for many different endeavours, even though not all of them have come to fruition (like that book, again...) I still feel like I have been reasonably productive in my work. Though I wish I could focus entirely on drawing, lately my attention has been split between several different endeavors - each of which are satisfying in their own right, and more importantly each of which are furthering me in some way. Still, I don't want to lose my drawing capabilities, even if I do feel fatigued at times.

Anyway... I felt like I should write something since it's been a month since the last one and a year since the first. I don't feel the need to do these anymore, so I suppose this is a good way to cap them off.

I don't know how thrilled I am with how this one is turning out. The sketches seem fine, but I seemed to reach a mental block when it came to taking the step from rough sketch to refined idea. Five hours of working on it... seems like such a waste of time. I feel like other artists would be more than finished by that point.

Oh well. It's 2:38AM now. We'll pick it back up tomorrow morning.

Boy howdy, the things you do for a reference.

Work has cut hours again, yet despite this it's somehow been more stressful than ever before, mostly because going there for less than four hours each day is like sticking your head in a burning building to see what part is on fire the most so you can throw a bucket of water before ducking back out. To top it off, apparently unemployment gets cut off next week unless the feds can get their heads together and extend it (they probably won't) so there's that to look forward to.

With all that, I've been considering for a while opening up to commissions, but of course if I do that I'd probably have to make a couple of drawings featuring people wearing clothing. I imagine my commissions would be the most narrowly-scoped things one could think of.

Video essay is about 17 minutes into an hour-long presentation. Takes about an hour to do a minute's worth of visuals, so it's still going to be a while. Fun though, and at least unlike SPNATI there's a clear end goal with no shifting bar to worry about.

I also haven't forgotten about the book project.