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View Profile RedMarlin
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RedMarlin's News

Posted by RedMarlin - February 5th, 2020


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It has been a lovely evening, with lots of productivity in several different ways. I didn't expect to make a sketch this detailed this evening, but as I was driving home I glanced over at a house that was next to a busy road and thought about how nice it would be to have a privacy screen made of bamboo, which in turn led to me dreaming of having a cove outside surrounded by lush greenery, both around and above. Then I got a vision for another drawing in what might as well be a series by this point. Something about him painting with that oversized brush felt appealing. Imagine being out in the warm Summer sun, the light poking through the leaves and dotting the floor, spending hours in quiet privacy creating art while wearing nothing but what you were born with. I bet it would be relaxing.


Of course it's different when you're grown up. Especially when you're a man. Once your innocence is lost, nudity takes on a different meaning.


I still think it would be comfy.


1

Posted by RedMarlin - February 4th, 2020


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Played around with a different way of coloring in these sketches. When I start my comic I'm going to keep it in black and white, so I'd like to find a method that I like best. I've found I tend not to favor the hard cold lines of ink and instead lean towards the loose rough look of pencil and charcoal, though I wound up using a lot of different tools for this one here. The goal is to keep the personality of the sketch, or ideally use it as part of the final piece.


I don't know if I'll do this again in the same format as the others or not. I did like the bright colors of the watercolor. Though with those I think it's better to not shade in the sketches. Hmm. Maybe I can erase the shading? I like having a more complete-looking sketch too. I'm sure I'll figure it out. Maybe I'll just try it without erasing the shading and see how it looks. I did another sketch of Athena that I'll use.


I'm excited to jump back in.


Posted by RedMarlin - February 4th, 2020


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Much better day today. Set aside a set period ahead of time to draw and the final results turned out well. I can't say I felt that same surge of emotion while working on these, but I'm still very happy with how they turned out. I wonder if it's the same as falling in love. You may never feel that initial excitement again, but that doesn't mean you aren't still in love. Perhaps I am not feeling that emotion again because I already understand it. That's almost disappointing. Like never being able to hear your favorite song for the first time again. I guess the silver lining is that there are always more drawings to make.


The problems of yesterday seem so small today. Does that mean they didn't mean anything?


1

Posted by RedMarlin - February 3rd, 2020


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Today was rough. It felt like nothing was going as it should. That of course is not conducive to creativity, and yet I still felt the need to try. Sometimes it devolves into me just letting out my frustration onto the paper. Unfortunately that's not how good drawings come about. I managed to get somewhat into the right state of mind, just long enough to sketch out a halfway decent sketch, but then I closed back off. I don't know whether I'll use it or not.


I think I'm getting too hung up on trying to recapture the magic that happened the other night. It feels like in order to get that moment I have to go through some kind of mental breakdown. Those sketches happened only after I completely gave up, and even then it took a few tries. I always try and tell myself to let it be wrong, that it's okay, but the pressure to get it right stays. It's difficult. Worse still is that the frustration can create a vicious cycle, much like what happened tonight. Not to mention I think I'm too hung up on recreating the same subject matter. I don't actually know what I want, I just know I want it to be like that. Did I know exactly what I wanted before? Kind of, now that I think about it. It came to me on its own. I guess that's part of being in the open mode as well. It felt like I was capturing pure beauty and happiness and putting it in visible form on the paper. Not being able to do that again after achieving it twice is frustrating.


I feel like the longer I go without it the more pressure there is to get into it the next time, which only makes things worse. Vicious cycle.


To compound all of this, it's the end of the weekend. Work begins anew tomorrow, and with it most of my time gets wasted away once more. Time... the universal currency. I resigned from SPNATI so that I would have more time, and while I admit I don't regret doing that still, I feel as though the actual amount of time it allows me is still minimal.


I feel as though the burdens of going through life are outweighing the benefits.


It's almost 2AM.


Posted by RedMarlin - January 30th, 2020


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I think I like drawing with a very blunt pencil most of all.


Work has been monotonous lately but it gives me the chance to tune out of what's in front of me and think about story ideas, which is nice. My notepad is filling up.


Drawing has been unsuccessful lately however, probably because of pressure to do well after the last two finished pieces. I know it will pick back up eventually.


Posted by RedMarlin - January 29th, 2020


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I think my "drawing nude children" phase is over. As much as I'd like to recreate that magic, I don't think I can just force it like that. I feel like there are some artists who can reliably produce the same kind of piece over and over again, but whenever I try to get something down to a formula it seems to never work, probably because I'm putting too much pressure on getting something right. That's one of the sucky parts about drawing. It's not just about following instructions, it's the state of mind you're in as well that can make all the difference. On those nights I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil. I hope that's not prerequisite. I don't think it is.


I know it'll happen again, I just need to give it the proper time and space. I'm trying to stay confident.


I was wondering how I'd feel today after resigning. I have to say, now that it's done I don't feel that sad about it. I feel so free, now that the slate has been wiped clean (speaking of which, I won't be finishing the SPNATI painting either, I've decided).


In its place, I've two main projects I'd like to do. First and foremost, I want to work much more extensively on refining my story and fleshing out my world. On that end, I have a "pilot episode" planned out that I'm going to refine a bit and try to make. I have to decide just what rendering style I want to use. I have decided it's going to be black and white to save on time. Not sure how I'll handle shading. That watercolor piece turned out well, so maybe that in grayscale? We'll have to see. I might try a few different pieces. Gives me an excuse to draw more standalone pieces.


Second, I've decided I'd like to go ahead with that Cuphead comic idea I had. I think this is a reasonable project to take on - I've done short comics before so it's not unfamiliar, and the story is already planned out, meaning we have a specific start and a specific end. When I was working on Iris the Gorgon I could reasonably produce a page a week, so given my current free-time schedule if I put my dedication to it I imagine I could produce a page at roughly the same rate, maybe one every two weeks at its slowest.


So there - a few well-defined projects already in the works, some big and some small. I feel pretty good.


Oh, and at some point I'd like to finish the Art Monster comic but I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself for it.


Posted by RedMarlin - January 29th, 2020


I resigned from SPNATI today. I posted a long video explaining why and then left both Discord servers. That happened just now. I have a bit of adrenaline flowing still. Probably shouldn't have done this right before bed.


I know deep down it's the right thing to do. It was taking too much time and energy away from other more important projects. I'm ready to go back to being an artist.


I already said all I needed to say in the video. I already showed it to who needs to see it. Now it's important that I keep my eyes forward and focus on the future. I feel very sad, but also very free.


1

Posted by RedMarlin - January 26th, 2020


Today went well, with two complete pieces being finished. Maybe they're not as in-depth as something like the SPNATI painting or the Secret Santa, but I don't really care. I'm starting to wonder if that painting is worth finishing if I dread the thought of working on it. It's not like it's the only painting I would ever make. However, it is close enough to completion that I feel like it would be worth finishing. The extensive background might be a lot of work, but I do think it will be enjoyable if I'm in the right frame of mind. I just need to eliminate that pressure of having to complete it. There's no deadline, so I don't know why it's there to begin with.


I wish I could show these paintings to more places. I feel like because of their subject matter they would just make people uncomfortable, no matter how benign it is. I get it though - I've seen artists appear trustworthy at first but eventually reveal their true colors. I hope they didn't develop them over time. I wouldn't want that happening to me.


I feel as though my interest in drawing children will be sated soon. Though I must say that I'm quite happy with this new digital watercolor style. For the longest time I've tried to find a rendering method that would let me incorporate the actual sketch instead of inking over it, since I feel so much personality gets lost in the process. This seems to work well, and being able to paint fun, abstract backgrounds with bright vibrant colors is very enjoyable.


Posted by RedMarlin - January 24th, 2020


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Things are better today. I got to illustrate at work again and things at home are starting to come back up. I hope it continues.


This was meant to track progress on art, but being able to talk to no one at all is rather therapeutic.


Posted by RedMarlin - January 24th, 2020


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I have felt a strong dissatisfaction with life in general over the past few days. At work I feel mentally absent, at home I feel disconnected and empty. I often ponder how I'd feel about going to sleep and not waking up. I don't think I would ever kill myself. I'd rather start over than die. Drop it all, go somewhere far away. I know I would hurt a lot of people if I did that though, not to mention logistics and finances. I feel tied up in every direction, unable to do anything except wedge deeper into the ground because that's all I feel I can do. I feel helpless, stressed, and generally bad.


Not to mention that a plant that is supposedly impossible to kill is now dying on me, which is not good for morale.


Somehow despite this I've been able to draw in the evenings. I feel free, happy. I immediately get into the open mode, and the paper is my playground. I don't know why I've been driven to draw nude children lately, but it's all I've felt like drawing and I've actually been able to do it without any frustration. At first I feared I was doing it for the wrong reasons, that maybe there were inappropriate feelings I wasn't aware I had, but I don't think that's the case. I don't feel anything worrisome when I'm drawing them, especially not the same feelings I get when drawing more fitting subject matter. I think best I can describe is that it's a combination of the pure innocence of youth mixed with the beauty of the human form mixed with my admittedly recently-budding paternal instincts that all combine into this feeling of pure adoration. The words don't do the feeling justice.


A nude child is so much different from a nude adult. When we grow up we're disillusioned with the world, we take on so many connotations and implications, we bear the burden of so many responsibilities, both logistical and moral. I'm tired of that. Maybe subconsciously I'm drawing these because I yearn to return to that simplicity.


I have so many projects jumbled up that I would like to do, if I only had the time to do them. I think that's what it all boils down to - time. The currency of life. I want more time. I want all the time in the world. I feel as though I missed my opportunity, now that I'm done with school and in the real world, bearing all those responsibilities. I didn't know what I wanted early enough. Now that I do, I have to choose between wither spending the time chasing that dream or using the time instead to take care of all the other responsibilities.


Would running away help that? Would casting aside any and all social connections really be a healthy way of dealing with that? I don't know that it would. And I think I would be more scared of being alone than I would be of not achieving my dream. I don't know what I want, and I can never be satisfied with what I have, that's my problem.


I'm tired of feeling depressed now. I'm going to try and be happier tomorrow. And I'll probably draw more kids. Up until even just last night I was worried about how others might receive it, but I'm not going to worry about that anymore.