Another frustrating night. This makes I think the third attempt in a row of being unable to capture that golden moment again.
That drawing of Kneesocks wasn't created in such a way. It felt hammered out rather than effortlessly conjured. Was it because it was a less familiar pose? Perhaps, but I still think I wasn't in the same state of mind.
Tonight I tried an exercise I came across online where one draws a page full of lines as slowly as possible. The idea is to get your mind to hush out all the rushing thoughts and slow down. It worked at first, but I found that after a while my mind began wandering again out of boredom, particularly when reaching the halfway point and also when approaching the end of the paper. It took roughly 40 minutes to make that.
Once I started drawing though, I must say I found that for a brief moment I was in that state. Only briefly though, and not as strong. I think although I tell myself I'm going to let go of any expectations of completing another masterpiece, I secretly am still demanding one from myself. There's a paradoxical mindset where the realization that I am letting go of expectations sets up another realization that doing so allows for that flow state to occur thus resulting in good work, which leads right back around to expecting it again. I wish I didn't have to go through a mental breakdown every time to get it to happen. I also wish it didn't happen by surprise. Then again would training it and honing it take away the fun? The magic?
Eventually I became nervous again, to the point where my hand was hesitant and shaky. When that happens I try to get myself to relax but so far I can't get back once the moment is gone. It's like a barrier is broken.
Space, time, time, confidence, humor... I feel confident that I can make good work, but when the moment comes that confidence starts to slip. Funny how the drawings that got me out of such emotional turmoil are now beginning to cause it.
I'm going to try one more time tonight. We'll see what happens.
Of course now it's 12:45AM. A small price to pay I suppose.
I still think I like my other sketch of Athena more, but I think this one will grow on me too. I feel satisfied, but the feeling isn't particularly immense like it was with hers. Certainly better than Kneesocks' drawing.
Though I wonder if I'm not feeling much because I'm allowing myself to break it down more quickly to correct what I think is wrong and improve. Then again, I feel like I was doing that before anyway. Maybe it wasn't as much? I want to try and record myself at some point to see what the process is.
Maybe by anticipating it I'm ensuring it doesn't happen. I don't know.