Today was rough. It felt like nothing was going as it should. That of course is not conducive to creativity, and yet I still felt the need to try. Sometimes it devolves into me just letting out my frustration onto the paper. Unfortunately that's not how good drawings come about. I managed to get somewhat into the right state of mind, just long enough to sketch out a halfway decent sketch, but then I closed back off. I don't know whether I'll use it or not.

I think I'm getting too hung up on trying to recapture the magic that happened the other night. It feels like in order to get that moment I have to go through some kind of mental breakdown. Those sketches happened only after I completely gave up, and even then it took a few tries. I always try and tell myself to let it be wrong, that it's okay, but the pressure to get it right stays. It's difficult. Worse still is that the frustration can create a vicious cycle, much like what happened tonight. Not to mention I think I'm too hung up on recreating the same subject matter. I don't actually know what I want, I just know I want it to be like that. Did I know exactly what I wanted before? Kind of, now that I think about it. It came to me on its own. I guess that's part of being in the open mode as well. It felt like I was capturing pure beauty and happiness and putting it in visible form on the paper. Not being able to do that again after achieving it twice is frustrating.

I feel like the longer I go without it the more pressure there is to get into it the next time, which only makes things worse. Vicious cycle.

To compound all of this, it's the end of the weekend. Work begins anew tomorrow, and with it most of my time gets wasted away once more. Time... the universal currency. I resigned from SPNATI so that I would have more time, and while I admit I don't regret doing that still, I feel as though the actual amount of time it allows me is still minimal.

I feel as though the burdens of going through life are outweighing the benefits.

It's almost 2AM.