I think my "drawing nude children" phase is over. As much as I'd like to recreate that magic, I don't think I can just force it like that. I feel like there are some artists who can reliably produce the same kind of piece over and over again, but whenever I try to get something down to a formula it seems to never work, probably because I'm putting too much pressure on getting something right. That's one of the sucky parts about drawing. It's not just about following instructions, it's the state of mind you're in as well that can make all the difference. On those nights I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil. I hope that's not prerequisite. I don't think it is.

I know it'll happen again, I just need to give it the proper time and space. I'm trying to stay confident.

I was wondering how I'd feel today after resigning. I have to say, now that it's done I don't feel that sad about it. I feel so free, now that the slate has been wiped clean (speaking of which, I won't be finishing the SPNATI painting either, I've decided).

In its place, I've two main projects I'd like to do. First and foremost, I want to work much more extensively on refining my story and fleshing out my world. On that end, I have a "pilot episode" planned out that I'm going to refine a bit and try to make. I have to decide just what rendering style I want to use. I have decided it's going to be black and white to save on time. Not sure how I'll handle shading. That watercolor piece turned out well, so maybe that in grayscale? We'll have to see. I might try a few different pieces. Gives me an excuse to draw more standalone pieces.

Second, I've decided I'd like to go ahead with that Cuphead comic idea I had. I think this is a reasonable project to take on - I've done short comics before so it's not unfamiliar, and the story is already planned out, meaning we have a specific start and a specific end. When I was working on Iris the Gorgon I could reasonably produce a page a week, so given my current free-time schedule if I put my dedication to it I imagine I could produce a page at roughly the same rate, maybe one every two weeks at its slowest.

So there - a few well-defined projects already in the works, some big and some small. I feel pretty good.

Oh, and at some point I'd like to finish the Art Monster comic but I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself for it.

I resigned from SPNATI today. I posted a long video explaining why and then left both Discord servers. That happened just now. I have a bit of adrenaline flowing still. Probably shouldn't have done this right before bed.

I know deep down it's the right thing to do. It was taking too much time and energy away from other more important projects. I'm ready to go back to being an artist.

I already said all I needed to say in the video. I already showed it to who needs to see it. Now it's important that I keep my eyes forward and focus on the future. I feel very sad, but also very free.

Things are better today. I got to illustrate at work again and things at home are starting to come back up. I hope it continues.

This was meant to track progress on art, but being able to talk to no one at all is rather therapeutic.

I have felt a strong dissatisfaction with life in general over the past few days. At work I feel mentally absent, at home I feel disconnected and empty. I often ponder how I'd feel about going to sleep and not waking up. I don't think I would ever kill myself. I'd rather start over than die. Drop it all, go somewhere far away. I know I would hurt a lot of people if I did that though, not to mention logistics and finances. I feel tied up in every direction, unable to do anything except wedge deeper into the ground because that's all I feel I can do. I feel helpless, stressed, and generally bad.

Not to mention that a plant that is supposedly impossible to kill is now dying on me, which is not good for morale.

Somehow despite this I've been able to draw in the evenings. I feel free, happy. I immediately get into the open mode, and the paper is my playground. I don't know why I've been driven to draw nude children lately, but it's all I've felt like drawing and I've actually been able to do it without any frustration. At first I feared I was doing it for the wrong reasons, that maybe there were inappropriate feelings I wasn't aware I had, but I don't think that's the case. I don't feel anything worrisome when I'm drawing them, especially not the same feelings I get when drawing more fitting subject matter. I think best I can describe is that it's a combination of the pure innocence of youth mixed with the beauty of the human form mixed with my admittedly recently-budding paternal instincts that all combine into this feeling of pure adoration. The words don't do the feeling justice.

A nude child is so much different from a nude adult. When we grow up we're disillusioned with the world, we take on so many connotations and implications, we bear the burden of so many responsibilities, both logistical and moral. I'm tired of that. Maybe subconsciously I'm drawing these because I yearn to return to that simplicity.

I have so many projects jumbled up that I would like to do, if I only had the time to do them. I think that's what it all boils down to - time. The currency of life. I want more time. I want all the time in the world. I feel as though I missed my opportunity, now that I'm done with school and in the real world, bearing all those responsibilities. I didn't know what I wanted early enough. Now that I do, I have to choose between wither spending the time chasing that dream or using the time instead to take care of all the other responsibilities.

Would running away help that? Would casting aside any and all social connections really be a healthy way of dealing with that? I don't know that it would. And I think I would be more scared of being alone than I would be of not achieving my dream. I don't know what I want, and I can never be satisfied with what I have, that's my problem.

I'm tired of feeling depressed now. I'm going to try and be happier tomorrow. And I'll probably draw more kids. Up until even just last night I was worried about how others might receive it, but I'm not going to worry about that anymore.

I have been slowly coming out of my mental rut. For one thing, I made it through the day without getting into some kind of trouble at work, something which I think was a strong factor in getting me into this rut to begin with. Hopefully I can go the rest of the week as such and continue to get my confidence back. For another thing, last night's art session went rather well again.

I found myself compelled to draw Ray in the nude again. I wound up sketching out one of the opening scenes for his story, where he falls into the river. The premise is that he lies down in the sun to dry out and falls asleep. When he wakes, he finds that he's in the body of a fox and he sees himself running away laughing.

Nearly all of today's session was spent clearing up the mental junk that was blocking my creative flow. I don't think I'm completely back yet, but I think things are starting to return to normal. I didn't try working on the SPNATI painting this evening. I don't know what to do about that.

I'm excited to try another session but I'm also tired. Tomorrow, perhaps.

I suppose if I ever tried doing this as a full time career I would have to be able to devote more than an hour and a half towards it each day. Maybe I'm not cut out for it.

My boss feels like I'm not putting enough effort into my work. He says I'm not as enthusiastic about certain projects as I am with others. I don't know what's good enough for him. I don't know what's good enough for me.

I feel a vast emptiness. All I wanted to do tonight was work on that SPNATI painting because the internal pressure has built up so much. I feel like a festering sore. I feel like I want to cry but nothing comes out. I can't work on art but I feel I don't deserve rest or recreation. I don't know what to do.

Christmas is going okay so far.

2:37AM... I had said I would go to bed earlier, but then I read late at night that rags soaked in wood stain can apparently catch fire on their own, so then I spent the next hour or so in a panic reading horror stories and doing this and that to try and set them properly because you just know that it's going to burn your house down in your sleep and--

Anyway, the two halves of the table are stained and now we play the waiting game. The top came out a little darker than the bottom and they both look a little blotchier than I like (wood glue makes it a lot worse too - you can see along the pencil guard how it's brighter) but hopefully a little extra TLC will get them looking nicer. I also got the glass pane a little more frosted with some decent sandpaper and elbow grease, which is good because it's now frosted on its own and bad because that's $20 down the drain for some now-cut-up frost paper that wound up not working. Oh well. Wouldn't be the biggest thing I've wasted money on and we learned something.

I don't know that it'll all be finished by the end of tomorrow but it will definitely be close. I really wish I had more time still. Even with a four-day weekend I couldn't get done everything I wanted to do. I don't know how things can go so right and so wrong at the same time. Maybe it's a matter of one's mindset.

I wanted to work more on art too today. That didn't happen. But at least we got a Christmas tree. That was on the list too.