View Profile RedMarlin
Perfectly unremarkable

Joined on 12/5/09

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RedMarlin's News

Posted by RedMarlin - January 26th, 2020

Today went well, with two complete pieces being finished. Maybe they're not as in-depth as something like the SPNATI painting or the Secret Santa, but I don't really care. I'm starting to wonder if that painting is worth finishing if I dread the thought of working on it. It's not like it's the only painting I would ever make. However, it is close enough to completion that I feel like it would be worth finishing. The extensive background might be a lot of work, but I do think it will be enjoyable if I'm in the right frame of mind. I just need to eliminate that pressure of having to complete it. There's no deadline, so I don't know why it's there to begin with.

I wish I could show these paintings to more places. I feel like because of their subject matter they would just make people uncomfortable, no matter how benign it is. I get it though - I've seen artists appear trustworthy at first but eventually reveal their true colors. I hope they didn't develop them over time. I wouldn't want that happening to me.

I feel as though my interest in drawing children will be sated soon. Though I must say that I'm quite happy with this new digital watercolor style. For the longest time I've tried to find a rendering method that would let me incorporate the actual sketch instead of inking over it, since I feel so much personality gets lost in the process. This seems to work well, and being able to paint fun, abstract backgrounds with bright vibrant colors is very enjoyable.

Posted by RedMarlin - January 24th, 2020


Things are better today. I got to illustrate at work again and things at home are starting to come back up. I hope it continues.

This was meant to track progress on art, but being able to talk to no one at all is rather therapeutic.

Posted by RedMarlin - January 24th, 2020


I have felt a strong dissatisfaction with life in general over the past few days. At work I feel mentally absent, at home I feel disconnected and empty. I often ponder how I'd feel about going to sleep and not waking up. I don't think I would ever kill myself. I'd rather start over than die. Drop it all, go somewhere far away. I know I would hurt a lot of people if I did that though, not to mention logistics and finances. I feel tied up in every direction, unable to do anything except wedge deeper into the ground because that's all I feel I can do. I feel helpless, stressed, and generally bad.

Not to mention that a plant that is supposedly impossible to kill is now dying on me, which is not good for morale.

Somehow despite this I've been able to draw in the evenings. I feel free, happy. I immediately get into the open mode, and the paper is my playground. I don't know why I've been driven to draw nude children lately, but it's all I've felt like drawing and I've actually been able to do it without any frustration. At first I feared I was doing it for the wrong reasons, that maybe there were inappropriate feelings I wasn't aware I had, but I don't think that's the case. I don't feel anything worrisome when I'm drawing them, especially not the same feelings I get when drawing more fitting subject matter. I think best I can describe is that it's a combination of the pure innocence of youth mixed with the beauty of the human form mixed with my admittedly recently-budding paternal instincts that all combine into this feeling of pure adoration. The words don't do the feeling justice.

A nude child is so much different from a nude adult. When we grow up we're disillusioned with the world, we take on so many connotations and implications, we bear the burden of so many responsibilities, both logistical and moral. I'm tired of that. Maybe subconsciously I'm drawing these because I yearn to return to that simplicity.

I have so many projects jumbled up that I would like to do, if I only had the time to do them. I think that's what it all boils down to - time. The currency of life. I want more time. I want all the time in the world. I feel as though I missed my opportunity, now that I'm done with school and in the real world, bearing all those responsibilities. I didn't know what I wanted early enough. Now that I do, I have to choose between wither spending the time chasing that dream or using the time instead to take care of all the other responsibilities.

Would running away help that? Would casting aside any and all social connections really be a healthy way of dealing with that? I don't know that it would. And I think I would be more scared of being alone than I would be of not achieving my dream. I don't know what I want, and I can never be satisfied with what I have, that's my problem.

I'm tired of feeling depressed now. I'm going to try and be happier tomorrow. And I'll probably draw more kids. Up until even just last night I was worried about how others might receive it, but I'm not going to worry about that anymore.

Posted by RedMarlin - January 22nd, 2020


I have been slowly coming out of my mental rut. For one thing, I made it through the day without getting into some kind of trouble at work, something which I think was a strong factor in getting me into this rut to begin with. Hopefully I can go the rest of the week as such and continue to get my confidence back. For another thing, last night's art session went rather well again.

I found myself compelled to draw Ray in the nude again. I wound up sketching out one of the opening scenes for his story, where he falls into the river. The premise is that he lies down in the sun to dry out and falls asleep. When he wakes, he finds that he's in the body of a fox and he sees himself running away laughing.

Posted by RedMarlin - January 18th, 2020



Nearly all of today's session was spent clearing up the mental junk that was blocking my creative flow. I don't think I'm completely back yet, but I think things are starting to return to normal. I didn't try working on the SPNATI painting this evening. I don't know what to do about that.

I'm excited to try another session but I'm also tired. Tomorrow, perhaps.

I suppose if I ever tried doing this as a full time career I would have to be able to devote more than an hour and a half towards it each day. Maybe I'm not cut out for it.

Posted by RedMarlin - January 17th, 2020


This is from yesterday. I couldn't do anything. I tried, but I just sat here for an hour trying desperately to put paint to canvas and it just was not happening.

My boss feels like I'm not putting enough effort into my work. He says I'm not as enthusiastic about certain projects as I am with others. I don't know what's good enough for him. I don't know what's good enough for me.

I feel a vast emptiness. All I wanted to do tonight was work on that SPNATI painting because the internal pressure has built up so much. I feel like a festering sore. I feel like I want to cry but nothing comes out. I can't work on art but I feel I don't deserve rest or recreation. I don't know what to do.

Posted by RedMarlin - January 15th, 2020


Did a couple more poses today. It's something.

Lately I've gotten to paint at work again, but I can tell my boss gets impatient with me about it.

Haven't been getting as much sleep lately and it shows.

Posted by RedMarlin - January 12th, 2020


I don't think I like how her face turned out here, I don't think. But I can tell my creative session is over so I'm going to leave it for now. Went for a good solid hour though.

Posted by RedMarlin - January 11th, 2020


This pose took well over an hour to make. I might not be able to draw for these, but they do present their own challenges. It's quite fun, really.

Posted by RedMarlin - January 9th, 2020


This will hopefully look better once her finger's shopped to look like it's actually poking her face.

This pose took forever to make. But... we're finally onto Stage 1. Progress is being made, even if it's at a glacial pace.

Motivation has been low these past few days. I want to work on stuff, but I don't really have the drive. I don't even feel like playing games or anything, I don't know what it is I want. I've been worrying about my little indoor garden though, that's one thing. Maybe that's causing the lack of motivation elsewhere?