Over the past week or so my motivation for art has fallen significantly. Attempts to draw usually end with impatience and frustration, as well as a few pages of me writing various insults towards myself. I feel as though I am getting better and worse at the same time. Socially, I feel like I've been getting more paranoid about screwing things up, not helped by two consecutive days of getting told off by my boss. It's like I don't want to try anything anymore, because I know I'll just fail. I still get ideas, but I don't have the patience with myself to implement them properly. Nothing seems right, and anything short of perfection feels like a failure. It sometimes reaches a point where my hand is paralyzed, unable to put the pencil to the paper.

I recently went to a doctor and have started a trial dosage of antidepressants. It treats both depression and anxiety, though leaning more towards the former. We'll see how it works. I also have an appointment scheduled with a therapist, though unfortunately the art therapists were all unavailable (that's basically what I've been doing for myself anyway).

What once served as a way to transform sadness into joy now only serves as frustration. The monster has grown stronger, but steps are being taken to change that. I'm tired of this. I just want to be happy again. I just want to enjoy art again. I don't even know who I'm doing this for anymore.