I have felt a strong dissatisfaction with life in general over the past few days. At work I feel mentally absent, at home I feel disconnected and empty. I often ponder how I'd feel about going to sleep and not waking up. I don't think I would ever kill myself. I'd rather start over than die. Drop it all, go somewhere far away. I know I would hurt a lot of people if I did that though, not to mention logistics and finances. I feel tied up in every direction, unable to do anything except wedge deeper into the ground because that's all I feel I can do. I feel helpless, stressed, and generally bad.
Not to mention that a plant that is supposedly impossible to kill is now dying on me, which is not good for morale.
Somehow despite this I've been able to draw in the evenings. I feel free, happy. I immediately get into the open mode, and the paper is my playground. I don't know why I've been driven to draw nude children lately, but it's all I've felt like drawing and I've actually been able to do it without any frustration. At first I feared I was doing it for the wrong reasons, that maybe there were inappropriate feelings I wasn't aware I had, but I don't think that's the case. I don't feel anything worrisome when I'm drawing them, especially not the same feelings I get when drawing more fitting subject matter. I think best I can describe is that it's a combination of the pure innocence of youth mixed with the beauty of the human form mixed with my admittedly recently-budding paternal instincts that all combine into this feeling of pure adoration. The words don't do the feeling justice.
A nude child is so much different from a nude adult. When we grow up we're disillusioned with the world, we take on so many connotations and implications, we bear the burden of so many responsibilities, both logistical and moral. I'm tired of that. Maybe subconsciously I'm drawing these because I yearn to return to that simplicity.
I have so many projects jumbled up that I would like to do, if I only had the time to do them. I think that's what it all boils down to - time. The currency of life. I want more time. I want all the time in the world. I feel as though I missed my opportunity, now that I'm done with school and in the real world, bearing all those responsibilities. I didn't know what I wanted early enough. Now that I do, I have to choose between wither spending the time chasing that dream or using the time instead to take care of all the other responsibilities.
Would running away help that? Would casting aside any and all social connections really be a healthy way of dealing with that? I don't know that it would. And I think I would be more scared of being alone than I would be of not achieving my dream. I don't know what I want, and I can never be satisfied with what I have, that's my problem.
I'm tired of feeling depressed now. I'm going to try and be happier tomorrow. And I'll probably draw more kids. Up until even just last night I was worried about how others might receive it, but I'm not going to worry about that anymore.