I built a PC.
After a frustrating day of getting the OS not to crash over and over, I think I've gotten it stable. Unfortunately, my backup drive doesn't seem to get recognized, probably because it's formatted for Macs... I didn't think that part through. So I'll have to reformat it to get it to work with the new computer and/or use Google Drive to move everything over. I imagine it will take the better part of the week just to reconfigure everything again, though I want to see if I can export settings from some of the programs, particularly Wacom and Adobe's stuff since that's the biggest pain to set up again.
But honestly the biggest priority is getting back muh dank papes.